retrograde? what does that even mean?

I get these short little horoscope emails every Sunday, giving me a sometimes superfluous projection of my upcoming week, and other times giving me an uncanny explanation of my life's current events.

And ever since Mercury went retrograde two weeks ago, things have been a bit more crazy than usual.

What does retrograde even mean?

Well, I looked it up , and this is what it said:

retrograde - adj. Moving or tending backward. Opposite to the usual order; inverted or reversed. Reverting to an earlier or inferior condition.

Opposite to the usual order. That sounds about right. Because if everything was going in the appropriate, predictable and right order before, it certainly hasn't been as of late.

Steven is grouchy with his work life *D'oh*. I burned myself cooking dinner on Monday *OUCH*. Our car needs work done*Cha-Ching*. Our refrigerator decided to stop running yesterday *Cha-Ching*. I walked forehead first into a metal pole yesterday *OUCH*. Our backyard gazebo blew into the pool last night *D'oh*. Our Golden Retriever had diarrhea five days ago and there was shit everywhere *SHIT!*

Alright, enough bitching. Because what you think and say is what you attract. So I suppose I need to reflect on more of the positive, too...

I did 200 squats (cumulative amid 400 m runs) on Monday and somehow I'm still walking (albeit a little funny). I got flowers and a breakfast out for Mother's Day. I got some time with my girlfriends a few days ago for our book club meeting. I made a huge product sale at my Etsy site and am currently working on the custom order. A friend taught me how to knit last Thursday and I am now unbelievably appreciative of how much work knitting is! And lastly, we're all in good health over here.

So there. Take that Mercury.

But would someone tell me, when does this retrograde thing go away?
Please?

verbal purge

I set up this blog just before L was born with the purpose of having a place to write and reflect. What the hell good is this blog, then, if I'm holding back?

Yes, I'm holding back.

I think we all, in some way, and in most instances, censor ourselves to some degree. Unless of course we're piss drunk or delirious. Seeing as I've drank more than my fair share already in life, perhaps I should consider seeking delirium. Sometimes I think I'm already there.

I find myself going to different places when I'm distressed. Sometimes I call a friend. Sometimes I go out to do something. This evening I urged myself to come here ... at least before I went to go lose myself in a book.

I sometimes hate/loathe/despise (you name every nasty word in the book) Steven's job. Ever since Eli was a few months old, there have been probably been three to four points in time where he has just been... ugh. I don't even know how to put it into words. Not himself? Nasty? Depressed? Distant? Fed up with his place and situation?

The shit his job does to him - I hate it.

As of right now it is another period of crisis. And I never know much about these crises because he turns inward. He just wants to be left alone. He snaps at all these little things and is just so depressed. And I feel helpless as there is no way I can help alleviate the problem except by being strong and positive here at home. And sometimes that is just so damn hard when he is just so darn miserable.

And if the kids are acting up or aren't behaving and listening - like today - well, then, things are even worse. I'm afraid he's going to either a) lose his temper in the really not cool kind of way b) have a heart attack or c) walk out the door and never come back.

And I don't get it ... the father/child relationship. They absolutely adore him. He's their favorite. They fight over him. They look forward to seeing him when work is over. The beg him not to go to work in the mornings. The help him with projects in the yard, in the garage, in the house. And yet, they don't listen to him. They give him such a hard time whenever he watches them. The children squabble and drive him nuts. They don't listen when he says "no" or oblige when he makes requests. And I can see it drives him nuts with aggravation. And yet I have no idea what to do. He gets mad. He doles out discipline if necessary. What makes them walk over him a lot and walk over me only a little?

I only ask him to watch them - completely alone - one day a week for a few hours. That's Saturday mornings so I can go and work out. But leaving the house to work out is becoming more stressful than a pleasant escape; I am terrified at what state I will find all three of them when I return; what horrible stories Steven will report to me of L misbehaving.

This is all intensified due to the current state of affairs with Steven, his job, and his happiness - or lack thereof. His patience is spread thin and his happiness is in hiding. I am praying either his job miraculously becomes a wonderful place or he finds a different position elsewhere.

Steven is an introvert, and he only likes to share things after he's had a chance to think about them. I let him know that I'm available to talk to when/if he's ready, but usually by the time he's had the time and space to think through his issues and emotions he usually doesn't feel the need to really address it with me any more. At least, in depth. If I'm lucky I get the gist. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I push him to talk, he only withdraws, and when I do give him the space he needs, by the time that space and time has passed he doesn't really need to talk.

And meanwhile I feel like I have a 200 lb. weight lying on my chest.