tuesday into wednesday

I've been up since 4:30ish a.m.

Steven left on business for another conference - ironically in San Francisco again - early this morning.

Sometimes I wake up and I just can't get back to sleep.

I had a couple of dreams last night that I'll jot down. One very happy, one quite upsetting.

#1
Setting: Some randomly invented fictitious mall in Indianapolis

Steven, me and the kids were at the mall walking around, poking our head into stores here and there. As we were walking down one of the main corridors, I heard someone call my name. "Sarah." It was a young, kind and uplifting voice.

I turned and it was Jack.

He was with the rest of the pumpkin shell; Ange, Tom, and Pick. Except they were fixated on where ever they were headed. Only Jack noticed - and recognized - me. I was delighted. I smiled. I waved. We moved on.

Why on earth we all didn't convene, get some grub, and enjoy each other's company in the dream completely baffles me. Maybe I knew it was wishful and wanted to keep my expectations at bay. But it was an awesome dream nonetheless.

#2
Setting: Unknown location. *Perhaps* a preschool.

Steven and I, as well as one or a couple of undetermined characters (all credible adults) are speaking. One of the unidentified adults is talking of an incident that happened with L. They are saying that a peer of the same or a slightly older age was helping her go to the potty and there was an incident of touching. Inappropriate touching.

The adults and Steven are agreeing over the fact that - why - in the first place - was a peer helping her go potty; she should go potty on her own.

Guilt overtakes me.

Steven can tell I have something to say but I struggle to say it. I finally break my silence and tell him that I have let her go to the potty with a friend before (not just in the dream, but in real life).

I feel responsible and devastated.

moon poem

I wrote this during the last full moon phase, about a month ago, in mid-to-later March. It's been sitting on my desk on a piece of scrap paper, and I wanted to type it out before it got lost or forgotten about. It's not done, but an inspired start.

You can always tell
when the moon is whole
when the grass glows cool
when it warms your soul

The night comes alive
You can feel it sigh
Illuminated
branches dance close by

1984

scared.

front door.

caught between
screaming.

spit.

raging.

hurtful words.

she grabs my arm
"we're leaving."

control
lost.

driving.
trapped next to
chaos.

scared.
parked car.

wanting to
be anywhere
but here now.

passenger seat.
watching birds.

uncertainty.

trapped in a
moment.

scared.

1994

pain.

throbbing
and stinging.
alone.

sting.

burning
residue
of you.

smell
what's left
of me.

feel
the pain
of you.

here.

alone.
what to do....

push it back down.
go to bed.
ignore.

sting.

ignore
tears shed.

pain.

recent things that caught my eye

Invisible Wounds of War

Donated Organs gone wrong

Man who used to be woman, pregnant

Why Can't I Own A Canadian?
Speaking of, hey Ron, did you ever receive the package of gifts I sent a couple months ago? Stupid customs made me spoil the surprise and write what I had enclosed inside.

and lastly,
I just pray this isn't true...

always reminded

Can't go anywhere without being reminded of you. Each and every one of you. Hope you all have a relaxing weekend ahead of you. I honestly plan on writing more soon, time willing.


Oh, and I finished uploading all of the San Francisco shots on Flickr, so I'm finally done. I can hear the sighs of relief. Enough bridge shots, cityscape shots, and the seals - oh, the seals! Now back to Arizona things. Lucky you.


Thanks for the word of mention, by the way, Zilla. Dopey over here has been reading again without commenting.

I'll be back!

scratch my back, I'll scratch yours

I can't bear it any longer. Not coming here is like having an itch I can't scratch.
I know. I'm so not funny.

Sorry for going missing. Steven had business in San Francisco and me and the kids tagged along. Gorgeous city. Very expensive. Great to be by the water again. Saw and did lots of fun things. For a pictorial recap of our time there, go here.

I'll come back soon (hopefully) to write.