strange weather

Rain is a rarity here. So the sound of it certainly takes me off guard. It is unusually dark here at our typically sunny home and L is consequently sleeping later than usual.

It started last night. Softly and soothingly; a pleasant white noise in the background. Steven joked with me before we went to bed if the sound of rain, so peculiar to us desert-folk, would keep me up. I chuckled. But I wasn't laughing 10 minutes later.

The storm picked up and what went from a pleasant rhythmic pattering of rainfall progressed to abrasive lashings against our house with intimidating wind gusts. I was certain our roof would give. I felt like the characters in the final chapters of the book Pompeii I just read, fearing the wrath of Mount Vesuvius and our imminent eruptive demise. Alright, perhaps not that bad. But we did have two lawn chairs end up in the bottom of the deep-end of the pool.

So it is still raining this morning. And to be honest, it's a refreshing change of pace, though I wouldn't like it to last more than a day.

I was actually able to sleep last night (after the violent part of the storm passed) which was a nice relief. The previous night our cat's grooming woke me up at midnight. I laid in bed until 2:30 trying to go back to sleep. I finally gave in and got up at 2:30 to read a book downstairs until 4:00, after which I went back upstairs and *gasp* was able to go back to sleep and get a couple more hours.

This happened towards the end of last pregnancy, too. Insomnia. Ugh.

Will he be early?
Will he be late?
Will I be livid?
Will I be sedate?

Will he be big?
Will he be small?
Will I go quickly?
Will I forestall?

Will he be healthy?
Will he be diverted?
Will we be together?
Will I be deserted?

I'm really scared of what happened last time happening again. I know it's unlikely. As one of the midwives said half-jokingly, half-seriously, I've paid my dues. But it doesn't change the apprehension I feel.

secret santa suspicion

I think I've gotten to the bottom of solving who my secret santa is. Yes, I believe this is the person responsible for sending me goodies that have pampered me:

Have you seen her?

Everyone has done such an effective job at the elimination of S.S's and non-S.S.'s alike, that my conclusion was relatively easy to reach with patience. And, after a bit of research, I believe cameradawktor is the only participating resident in Washington, which means there was no trickery on her part in regards to the package's return address. Sometimes the obvious is the hardest to see.

I am so thankful for all of my wonderful gifts. Oh, and that whisk... it is divine. I made an egg-whites omelet yesterday morning and wondered why I had toiled over my crappy cheap whisk-wannabe for so long. It was so effective and lovely to use. I felt enlightened; like a chef to be taken seriously. Same with the paring knife. I admittedly have never owned one! Awful, eh? I have always clumsily made due with our average-sized typical kitchen utility knives. Now I feel special having a specialty knife more suitable for jobs I did before with a bigger clumsier knife!

Another cool gift was a framed picture of some stunning location, which I can imagine is perhaps the beautiful coastal view from Washington? I've never been up there before. Nope, the northwest is some place I have yet to travel. The picture reminded me a lot of a little island off the coast where I grew up, that you could walk out to when the tide went down. Only thing is, you had to make it back before the tide rose again, otherwise you'd be stuck. Of course, this picture was much more attractive than Long Island sound. (Thankfully, otherwise it wouldn't have served it's purpose as a an imaginary get-away in the stressful months ahead!)

And what girl couldn't be thrilled with pampering ointments of the utmost soothing aromatic nature? I'm a big fan of the bath tub lately, given my very-pregnant-shape, so I'm loving all these lovely indulgences. And one of my favorite things to do is light candles around the rim of the bathtub while I soak, so the respective candle has also found it's home in my bathroom as a mood-setter :o)

L has been enjoying her coloring books, too. They're the first ones she has ever owned. Don't get me wrong, she draws on blank paper all the time, these have just been her first coloring book experience. She is very free with her relationship with the lines... and with the book itself for that matter. All I can say is thank goodness for oxyclean. And when I need a break from monitoring her redecorating of the house's color scheme, I must say our aquadoodle is a relief, a brilliant invention, and a much appreciated investment made on our part. "Sure honey, you can draw on the walls with the water pen." I've realized that must be confusing when she goes to do it with the magic markers and I have a coronary. Ah well.

Thank you cameradawktor! You're a kick-ass secret santa!

secret santa surprises

My Secret Santa successfully concealed their identity... so as I celebrate the ending suspense of my mystery presents, I still revel in the wonder of who sent me such special things! Secret Santa, reveal thyself!! And thank you very, very much!!! I love everything! (And I'm a little spooked, because I'm wondering how you knew I needed a new whisk!) Your powers amaze me. Here's to the magic of Santa! Merry Christmas everyone! And much love!

santa ... baby

Something naughty:

I hope that won't be the case for any of you this year. Luckily we don't have a chimney, so I know I'm off the hook.

So I'm 33 weeks now, and the mild dull aches of the extra weight are starting to set in. In the same spot as last time, too. My body knows this well. Seems like only yesterday.

I had a complimentary massage voucher from my birth center that I scheduled to honor this Thursday and they called to bump me to Saturday. Alright, I said to myself, I can wait two more days. It's discomfort that I have, not intolerable pain. Well, Friday afternoon they call and cancelled my Saturday appointment and I was really ticked.

I'm such a sensitive pregnant person. I cried Friday night in bed when my back started to spasm and thought if only they knew how much I needed this. Suck it up, Sarah.

Anyway, this is me and my little man at 33 weeks.
Something nice:

deadly sins

(Took this one from Chantal)

Wrath
Who did you last get angry with?
**Myself
What is your weapon of choice?
**Fear
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
**Maybe; it would take a lot
How about the same sex?
**Maybe; it would take a lot, too
Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
**Presumably the person who passed me via oncoming traffic because I was going to slow for them this morning
What is your pet peeve?
**Animals noisily grooming themselves in a silent house
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
**I keep them for a while out of fear and for [alleged] protection, but have to let them go eventually

Sloth
What is one thing you're suppose to do daily that you haven't?
**Supposed to do according to who? I don't know.
What is the latest you've ever woken up?
**I believe before dinner
Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
**My friend Jenn
What is the last lame excuse that you made?
**That I can't seem to do anything right
Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
**Yes, the affliction of attraction to them runs in my family's blood (Dad!)
How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning?
**I can't even tell you the last time I used my alarm clock. It has been years.

Gluttony
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
**Chai tea or cappuccino with froth sprinkled with cinnamon.
Are you a meat eater?
**Raised one. In 2004 I became a pescatarian (just fish). Was that way up until this pregnancy, in 2006, when I had a strong urge to reincorporate some poultry into my diet. So now I eat poultry once in awhile. My favorite source of protein is peanut butter, though.
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
**You don't want to know. I used to drink myself to unconsciousness.
Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits?
**Yes.
Do you enjoy candy and sweets?
**Indeed. More than ever in my life with this pregnancy.
Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods?
**Present day pregnant Sarah: Sweets! Past non-pregnant Sarah: Salty!
Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"?
**Good lord, no.

Greed
How many credit cards do you own?
**Two. One is mine with nothing on it and the other is our joint one... which has a bit too much on it.
If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
**Put half into savings, and use the rest to pay off the house, the cars, the debt, pay for the kid's college, and take an awesome vacation.
Would you rather be rich or famous?
**Rich.
Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks?
**I can say yes, but whether or not I'd be able to last at such a job is uncertain.

Pride
What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of?
**I'm really proud that I used to be able to run 10 miles in an hour. I can't believe I worked myself up to that stamina. I'm hoping to do it again one day and this time participate in a marathon.
What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
**Not died. Actually turned out "okay." My father to this day still can't believe he walked me down the aisle.
What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life?
**Something purposeful and good.
Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
**One time I signed onto the beginners' forum to play Literati on Yahoo when I really wasn't such a beginner anymore.
Have you ever cheated to get a better score?
**Yes.
What did you do today that you're proud of?
**Mailed the very last presents: Homemade DVDs of our family forall our family who lives far away.

Lust
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)?
**You know, I'm not sure. Perhaps a dozen or two? Funny - the first thing that came to mind was the memory that I saw Angus Young's butt in concert... he mooned me :o) Well, okay, us: the crowd.
How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)?
**Not too many; lovers and fellow skinny dippers, which haven't been many.
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation?
**Hee hee - yes.
What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice?
**Eyes/Face
Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons?
At once?
**No.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
**I mustn't have lived. No.

Envy
What item of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
**Can't think of anything.
Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
**Unfortunately it doesn't much matter, because it is ultimately the designer who determines your interior's destiny.
If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be?
**Does it have to be a person? I want to be an otter. Or a seal.
Have you ever been cheated on?
**I don't know.
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
**Many times.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
**The ability to be like a freshly waxed car with a droplet of water rolling off of it. I'd like it if things wouldn't bother me or hurt me so much.

What deadly sin...
Do you do the most often?
**Gluttony and/or Sloth.
Do you do the least often?
**Envy and/or Lust.
Is your favorite to act on?
**Gluttony.

And I found this little quiz online along the same lines...

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

weight

Why is today a day like it is? I don't know why I'm like this. There's a heavy feeling in my chest; aching, hallow, hurting. Haven't an appetite but yet have an urge to eat; an urge to attempt easing this wrong. I gravitate towards quick-fix crap that doesn't taste as fulfilling as it once would, and no matter how much I consume it won't fill the place that aches; it won't ease this sadness. Unsatisfiably full. I feel like crying. Wishing there was a way to safely render myself unconscious and make it all go away. Can't sleep. Anxious. And all I can do is wonder why I am like this today. Why does it feel as though everything is falling apart when nothing has happened; like life isn't worth living; like attachments are pointless as they will inevitably become corrupt. Ask me a question and all I'll be able to tell you right now is "I don't know." I care too much and I don't care at all. I love and loathe. And sadly, at times, just merely living is torture. What is the matter when a person who is blessed in countless ways can't see anything but darkness and feel anything but an ugly, vague and undefinable burden that haunts them? An unwelcome guest in the very temple of their body and mind who reappears time and time again, coming and going without consult or regard. I'm going to peel myself from this chair, now, and busy myself somehow and hope to evade these feelings. I am going to busy myself and wait for my daughter to awake from her nap and pray for the strength to become more like the me I prefer again. For the weight to be lifted. For the sun to shine once more.

secret santa...

has arrived!!!

Can I open it now? Pretty please? The suspense is killing me! 9 days is an eternity away!! (I love this secret santa thing! How did I miss out last year?!)

rudolph

Got this one from Serena Joy, who I found via Rain :o)
A seasonally appropriate and fun quiz if you ask me!

You Are Rudolph

Sweet and shy, you tend to be happiest when you're making someone else happy. Why You're Naughty: You sometimes stick that nose where it doesn't belong Why You're Nice: Christmas would be a sad affair without you!

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

a labor of love

No, this post is not childbirth oriented.

But there was pain involved.

This is the first self portrait tuesday I've done in quite some time.

I finally got around to finishing the stained-glass mirror I've been working on for my husband as a Christmas present. Of course, as you can see, it wasn't without consequence. I figured my bloody battle wounds were on par with this month's self portrait challenge: red.

Some art just isn't appropriate for the mentally challenged. (Cruel joke aimed at me.) But seriously, I'm a bit klutzy when it comes to anything that isn't drawing, painting, or graphic-designing.

And to think they allowed me to use a torch in metalsmithing!! The university I attended must have had good insurance.

Well, it is done, and I am pleased. Considering I am very out of practice with stained glass, and seeing as I was never really phenomenal in practice, the results were more than I could ask for. Now it's on to grouting. Good gooey fun!

what a weekend

For a couple who has an average of zero parties to attend per weekend, two parties in a weekend made for quite the eventful time!

We got to attend the charity ball again this year, a night of fun designed to raise money for children's charity. It is an amazing event. We attended our first time last year and I was simply awestruck by the caliber of the event.

We have Steven's job to thank for being privilege to attend such an affair; tables at the charity go for $10,000 a piece. I imagine that helps you to get an idea for the degree of this affair. It is in many ways a fairytale-like experience for me, almost like a night out taking part in what the red carpet lifestyle must be like. Somewhat surreal.

And I thought these sort of perks only came through employment by private universities. Well, let me say, state schools are okay by me :o)

We had a lovely time. I enjoy people-watching the most. The elaborate jewelry and dresses, plastic surgery and botox, and things of the like. It is quite a spectacle :o)

My good friend watched L for us during our Saturday night out on the town. She slept over (we got home at 11:30 p.m.) and enjoyed breakfast together the next morning. What a treat!

After breakfast we got ready for a holiday open house at the dean's home. Once again we left L with a friend, our neighbors who have a little girl who is a little older than L. (I still can't believe we were leaving L twice in one weekend! We usually only go out on dates maybe once every two months without her!)

But our kid is resilient. Our absence didn't phase her in the least. She is a happy and independent child too enamored by the world, her surroundings, and people to let things like mommy and daddy's departure bother her.

I drank coffee at the holiday open house and muffled my yawns. We were beat from the late night out before. The appetizers were out of the world, just like last year, and the deserts to die for. I left a few pounds heavier for certain.

And apparently everyone thinks I look huge for 31 weeks, which has me a bit concerned, seeing as I have two more months to go.

Right now I am actually the exact weight I was when I gave birth to L. Oh boy... it is inevitable I am going to put on more. I hope this boy isn't too big. Yikes! I better watch my holiday indulgence this year and stay away from medium-sized pizzas.

electrocerebral silence

Also referred to as ECS, it is the absence of electrical activity in the brain measured by an electroencephalogram, indicating cerebral death.

What a concept. To have your physical being alive, yet the very control center that makes you function as who you are, dead.

The book I'm reading right now has me captivated with the legal, moral, ethical and personal issues surrounding brain death, persistent vegetative state (PVS), and the right-to-die. Heavy stuff.

It has also brought to my attention the profound advances we have made in medical technologically in such a short amount of time. Issues that didn't exist 100 years ago are now something we have to grapple with today.

Anyway, just stuff on the brain that I thought I'd share.

And I kind of like the term electrocerebral silence, when taken away from its grave meaning. It actually sounds peaceful. Like emptying your mind and inducing a deep state of calm. Sounds like it could be the name of a new age band. Of course it probably never will be due to its innately serious meaning.

***

In terms of my brain, something strange happened last Sunday...

I've hesitated to bring it up, think about or write about it, which is why it's six days later and I'm just mentioning it.

It was pretty scary.

Steven and I and little L were in Costco getting some holiday gifts for staff at Steven's job. I'm pretty close to some of the people Steven works with... two personally babysit L on occasion. I visit the office enough to know everyone by name and have a conversation about the basics of their lives.

Well, Sunday in the store, as we were walking down the aisle considering gifts, Steven turns to me and says, "What do you think about this gift for Angie?"

I'll be damned. What happened next was beyond weird. It was scary.

Me: "Angie? Who's Angie?" (I know damn well who Angie is - but for some strange reason I didn't at that time.)
Him: "Angie! The one who watches L for us! Angie and Mark!?"
Me: [Blank Stare]
Him: "What about Janice?" (Another co-worker who I know well)
Me: "Janice?" "Who's that?"
Him: "Janice at the front desk." (You can tell Steven was thrown and didn't know what to make of this.)

I started getting scared... I ask him to ask me questions. Our old address in Connecticut, my mom's birthday, and other facts of the like. I got all the long-term stuff down fine, but there were a couple questions I couldn't answer: "What's the name of the class you're taking this semester?" and "What is your professor's name?"

It didn't go away suddenly. I don't even know when this went away. Probably because I dwelled obsessively on the names thereafter, trying to rekindle the necessary familiarity they were supposed to evoke. Steven assured me everything was fine and I was probably just having a brain fart. But I've had brain farts before and this was something of a different breed.... something much scarier.

It hasn't happened again since but it has definitely stayed with me. Scared the living crap out of me.

ode to junk food

Mmm... Icecream. I'm more of a mint chocolate chip girl, but this description seemed fitting.

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core. You often find yourself on the outside looking in. Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works. You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

And speaking of pigging-out on sinful treats, I ate an entire medium pizza last night. I have no shame. And I love pizza.

Normally I don't eat that much, but we went to the most excellent pizza joint in Tucson. It is hands-down the best pizza you'll find in the southwest... and that's hard to find. Mario's. It's pizza how it oughta be. And it took us two years of trying many disappointing pies to find it. Trust me, the joint doesn't look like more than a hole in the wall, but they know how to make a pizza right. And please disregard the drive-thru liquor store 10 yards away.

comments & gestation

I'd first like to apologize for the long comments I've been leaving some of you. I can't seem to leave a short and to-the-point comment lately. There is nothing succinct about me of late and my thoughts are far from compact.

It's problematic because it actually deters me from commenting sometimes. Because I can't simply get something brief and to the point out of me that effectively communicates my thoughts.

I feel the same way about e-mail sometimes. I'm awful about e-mailing people back because it always turns into a mini-novel. Why can't I be brief?

Perhaps I'm too critical.

***

Well, I deleted my Vox intentionally yesterday with the planned purpose of re-signing up and redesigning from scratch. I don't know what I was thinking, but when I went to re-sign up it wouldn't accept my email address seeing as it had been used previously. I'm hoping if I give it a few days it will forget about the whole incident and eventually accept it. So if you're wondering where I went over there, that's the story.

I've been messing blogs up a lot lately. I should just stop screwing around.

***

I'm 30 weeks pregnant now. I had my glucose test a week ago to check for gestational diabetes. Last time (with L) I took the drink they gave me and got really sick. Passing-out sick. This time I opted for an alternative method: a meal plan with a precalculated sugar content. The peanut butter and jelly sandwich, apple and milk went much better.

And I'm not diabetic.

However... I am borderline anemic. Which explains a lot. I have been feeling tired and easily winded for a while now so it makes perfect sense.

Other than that, I've been having lots of dreams lately, but no insomnia (thank heaven) yet. I'm hoping it won't happen at all this time. And to be honest, I'm more scared about the birth this time than I was last time. You'd think that fear of the unknown birth experience would have been stronger the first time, and fear of the known less strong this time, but I am actually more scared this time because I know. Last time I wasn't entirely fearless but was definitely not distressed or overly worried as I had a strong blind faith. This time I'm terrified.

postal woes & crow

Got to love the holiday season in all its glory and all its madness.

Went to the post office this morning (you can already foretell what wonderful things I'm going to say, can't you?) to take care of some mailing-business. We have friends in Hungary we send a greeting to every year, so it is necessary to get special postage.

When we first moved here, I noted a difference in the postal offices, and liked that difference. They used the "take a number" system and had bench seating for patrons as they waited. Back in the northeast you had to wait, standing, arms burdened with materials, in line - for god knows how long. I thought the "take a number" system here in Arizona was more considerate, especially to those with special circumstances (ie disability).

Well, it only was a matter of time before the United States Postal Service wanted to streamline all branches everywhere, and that involved doing away with the "take a number" system we so cherished here in the desert. Now it was every man and woman for themselves waiting in line. Tough sh*t if you had big heavy packages, unruly toddlers, chronic back pain or what: you had to wait in line like everyone else across the country.

And so there I was this morning, almost 8 months pregnant, burdened with a 25 lb plus toddler in hand (because god forbid I put her down, she'd disappear out the door, and I'd be chasing her losing my mind, and losing my spot in line).

45 minutes later, when I finally got to the counter, I was slightly exasperated but withheld a good attitude as it was no one's fault there. I scooted my 16-month-old's butt onto the counter to relieve me of her additional weight and allow me some extra limbs to manipulate the items I needed.

Let me tell you, I did not need the postal worker to give me a hard time.

But of course, she did. She didn't like my daughter being up on the counter. Once again, I couldn't very well put her down... she'd be out of sight and into trouble. She'd have a tantrum if I put her down and forced her to hold my hand, also putting me in a one-less-limb situation where it would be difficult to do my business. I refuse to put my kid on a leash under most circumstances (the harness really rubs her the wrong way), and - okay - maybe I should have brought a stroller. But trust me, she would have been screaming to get out and down the entire 45 minutes we were there.

It's a lose-lose with a toddler in house. And no one seems to understand. At least the ones who understand are too far and few inbetween and won't step up to defend you when you really need it.

So I sucked it up, told the postal worker there wasn't any way around it, and dealt with the ugly glare, grinded teeth, and ever-so-good-intentioned exclamations on how her "three boys, all three years apart, were all very easy-going, undoubtedly taking after [her] temperament." (Please.)


I made it out alive. And without losing my temper or patience. My back was a little more worse-for-wear, but altogether I had a kid who wasn't in tears, my mail was going where it need to go, and I was pleased.

***

On the way home I saw a car with Indiana plates with a cute little old couple coasting along down the road quite quickly. Thought of the Pumpkin Shell, of course, seeing as they're the poster-child reference for that state to me, and not because they are little or old, but they are cute.

I also saw a car with plates from Virginia. Someone from Richmond comes to my blog to read pretty regularly. I don't know who they are. If it is you, well, hi there.

Sheryl Crow came on the radio with her song "Every Day is a Winding Road" which was a treat I hadn't heard in a while. Little L seemed to like it, too.

Then a memory intruded, as they will occasionally do.

I remembered going to a Sheryl Crow concert with my dad when I was about 14. I had just been let back into the house after being kicked out for two nights on the street. I had broken through a screen and opened a window of our house to climb through and get more clothes to keep warm (it was during a cold season) in the wee hours of the first night, had gotten caught in the latter part of the act and kicked back out; had walked well over 20 plus miles over those two nights looking for places to sleep, and had basically had a two-day fast. I remember feeling very weak as I stood to listen to Sheryl Crow in that concert hall. I was happy to be warm, though. I was also very confused that after being kicked out, not only was I let back in without much of anything being said, but was almost immediately thereafter invited to join my father with his friend to that concert the first night of my return. I don't think I was very mentally there at the time, mostly due to exhaustion. I don't remember much of the night out other than the bathrooms at the venue. Clean bathrooms. Not some prickly bush hidden away in some cold suburban street somewhere. They were nice. They were clean. They were warm.

Jump in, let's go
Lay back, enjoy the show
Everybody gets high, everybody gets low,
These are the days when anything goes

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

blog-talk

So what's going on with the beta bandwagon? Has it reached the point where you now have to have a Google account to login? I switched over to my e-mail/google account for login purposes a little while ago but I haven't switched Q-S-S into the new format. I like having the one clump of HTML to edit as opposed to frames.

Even when I design websites I loathe frames.

And has anyone seen the new permissions settings? At least, I think they're new. Zilla knows well I played around with them yesterday... sorry!

They're under your blog's Setting tab, under Permissions. You have an option of allowing anyone to read, or only allowing invited users to read (*note: you have to invite people, otherwise no one can read), or only allowing blog authors to read.

Writer Mom recently introduced me to Vox which is pretty cool, too. I like the integration of all media - music, books, photos - into one central location over there. Wouldn't mind playing around there a little more. (And a sidenote: I never realized her blog title made such a cool acronym! Yay LIPS!)

Well, give me your beta-feedback. I'm a little curious what everyone's been making of it.