me & my man

SELF PORTRAIT TUESDAY

I couldn't help myself from doing another one of these, this time of me and my man. Yep, Sarah and Steven, old-school!

Steven plays soccer on two leagues here in Tucson and plays two games a week. Last Friday night my worst fears were realized while he was playing and he took a fall.

My biggest fear was his neck. He had major surgery in 2004 to resolve bone spurs on his vertebrae next to his spinal cord that were pinching nerves and causing nerve damage. My second biggest fear was his ACL. Anyone who knows soccer knows that tearing the ACL is one of the most common biggest injuries.

His neck was fine. The ACL he previously tore and had surgery on was fine, too. It was his other knee, and most likely his ACL. He has an MRI today. *sigh* ... we'll be finding out what the damage is soon.

antisocial studies

I must say I have been so fortunate in the past year to have met so many great people here in Arizona. One of my closest friends was brought to me through graduate school, and many others from being a new mom and becoming involved in various mom-baby groups.

I have met some pretty special and amazing people. I am blessed.

As a child I was a bit unusual in a few senses. I still am in some, too. Being an only child I was seldom exposed to children my own age. My mother would brag how good I was with adults/how verbally advanced I was; however as good of a quality that was it was also problematic. That is predominantly all I was ever exposed to: adults, aside from the occasional visit with my cousins. When I began to attend preschool the instructors noted my complete lack of socialization: They addressed my mother out of concern saying I would simply skip around the room singing songs to myself and playing by myself all day, every day.

Things didn't change much in elementary school, but I did get the hang of normal socialization rituals. I went to birthday parties and had play dates. I was a brownie and went to Rock Camp. But I never had a 'best buddy' like so many young girls do. I had acquaintances/friends. I didn't know how to relate to people my age, though, which is why those sorts of relationships never blossomed into a deeper connection and friendship. The people I got along the most comfortably with in grammar school were the teachers themselves.

I finally got the hang of it later in life. A late bloomer. Now I can't imagine my life without peers.

I am making it a point to provide L with countless opportunities to meet others of and around her age and socialize. I don't want her to go through the difficulties I had. The feeling of missing out and being left out. The feeling of being "weird" "unusual" and "misunderstood". Childhood can be tough enough without that crap.

feeling a bit fragile

One's state of being, mentality, mood, temperament ... is such a peculiar essence that fluctuates due to countless combinations of so many factors. Situational, hormonal, circumstantial, chemical... and so on.

The best way I can describe the way I feel and my current state of being is "fragile". I feel like I could fall apart or be broken quite easily. Sometimes I feel as though I have a young child sitting on my chest; other times a 500-pound man. I have been doing a lot of creative visualization to try to get that weight to ease up. It feels physical but I know it is largely mental.

Aside from feeling this way, everything in life right now is quite alright. So I'm figuring that component out of the equation of possible factors. Perhaps I just need more sleep. Or more exercise. Or less sugar.

It's funny; it was almost as if I was forewarned of this funky fluctuation on Sunday when I got my weekly astrological forecast. An excerpt from my forecast read:

There are a number of reasons why you don't want to overcommit yourself this week, Sarah. The main one being that you are approaching a phase in which you need to refresh your soul and spirit. On Tuesday you may find that one social event turns out to be disappointing because the company is not quite as scintillating as it might be. This doesn't mean that you should give up on this set of friends. There is just a certain something in the air which is making others a little more distant - it isn't anything personal. Wednesday may also be difficult, as Mars in your communication zone squares Neptune. Mercury and the Sun move into Aquarius from Friday, which means it is time for that rest and to reflect on your heart's desires.

I always take these sort of things with a grain of salt, but I have to give credit to the people who write them. I use it mostly for entertainment. But I am always impressed at the coincidental insights provided, which is why I credit the writers highly.

Either way, I hope this subsides soon and I can get back to a better, and less fragile, state of being.

it's going around and...

I caught it. I couldn't help myself. I thought I was immune but, lo, I am not.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Sarah!

1. In a pinch, the skin from a shark can be used as Sarah.
2. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn into Sarah!
3. Sarah is 984 feet tall.
4. Koalas sleep for 22 hours a day, two hours more than Sarah!
5. It takes a lobster approximately 7 years to grow to be Sarah!
6. Sarah is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
7. Sarah was banned from Finland because of not wearing pants!
8. American Airlines saved forty thousand dollars a year by eliminating Sarah from each salad served in first class!
9. The Asteroid Belt between Mars and Jupiter is made entirely of Sarah.
10. Baby swans are called Sarah.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

I don't find #2 hard to believe; in fact, I think it is true.
I am a pisces, after all.
As for #3, I know I'm tall, but not that tall!
#4 is sadly fact. I sleep a lot. Not nearly as much as I did pre-L though. Oh, how I yearn for 12 hours of uninterupted sleep again.
I deny all allegations in #7. You cannot prove it!
And is #10 an attempt of flattery?

a few of my favorite things

It is fun to think about all the different things we come to love, swear by, and devotedly use. How these things change through the years. How some always stay the same. I wanted to create a permanent reminder of "my favorite things" at this time in my life... all the stuff I'm just crazy about now, so that later on I can look back and say, oh yeah! I forgot about that, or, yes! still can't live without it. So, without further ado, here I go!


My favorite planner. Two years ago when Hallmark stopped carrying their (brand name) Sun Graphix calendars, I reluctantly had to switch. While I still miss those planners, I have come to love a new type, the Gallery Leather Co.'s 3" x 6" handsome black week-view calendar. Made in the USA :o)


My favorite thermos. Ah, the wonderful Trudeau brand, style Venus. It is the best of all travel mugs ever! My coffee graces its insulated walls each and every morning. We are inseparable! We have been together for over 3 years now.


Nature's Path Organic Instant Hot Oatmeal: The bestest, yummiest, instant hot oatmeal ever. I wasn't even a big fan of oatmeal until I tried this. This stuff is phenomenal and very good for you! I think I have to go have a bowl right now... excuse me.


Wanna smell delicious? This scent is irresistible to my olfactory. It just fires off something pleasing in my brain whenever I get a whiff of myself. It is appropriately called"Romance" and is by Mary Kay.


Tom's of Maine tooth gel: the best tooth (non-paste) gel ever. I seriously can never go back to using "paste" again... ew. I don't know how I ever dealt. This has a much smoother, cleaner texture and feeling when you are done brushing. This is one of those "I swear by it!" Things. I really don't think I could live without it.


I am addicted to Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer. This tea is so soothing you would think it was spiked with valium. And the flavor is so delicious, not too strong, not too boring, and impossible to get tired of. Sweet dreams...


And my favorite shampoo. I am really picky when it comes to shampoos, because I am extremely critical about the safety of the product while also expecting the best results with my thick locks. And this one has won me over in every aspect: Desert Essence Tea Tree Shampoo.

And those were a few of my favorite things!

Disclaimer: My endorsement and support of the companies mentioned herein was in no way an endeavor of an advertising nature nor was I prompted or reimbursed for doing so.

letter to an old friend

So I took an enormous step yesterday: I wrote someone who had been my friend since I was a child whom I had stopped speaking to several years ago. Why on earth would I stop speaking to a friend? Especially without providing to her an explanation as to why... just up and disappearing one day without a word. Shitty thing to do, I know. But there was a reason, or reasons.

But I realize that most likely no reason justifies my actions. If I could go back and handle things differently I probably would. But as months turned into years it just got harder to go back and talk to her. It was easier to just be silent and remain separated. And I still feel that way, but yesterday I put myself out there and did the difficult thing: I broke the silence.

Who knows if she will even write back? She has every right to be mad at me. As strange as it sounds, I almost hope she doesn't care and she has been completely over it. To think I'm hoping she didn't miss me and brushed it off. But I feel this way because my intention wasn't to hurt her. I just wanted to get away from her. Selfish, I know. She really pissed me off. This friend is opposite me in a big sense: privacy. I am a very private person and she is very... well, not in a lot of senses. She will talk about everything with everybody: what is going on in the lives of people she knows, bodily functions, politics - you name it. I, on the otherhand, keep things to myself. I still talk about them, but in confidence. Despite this huge difference it made for an overall entertaining dynamic between us.

So why did I stop talking to her? It was a cumulation of multiple incidents that came to a head. I can't just say it was one thing, but one thing did send me over the edge. I received an e-mail one day addressed to another friend of hers in which she talked poorly about me and my husband's decision to purchase a house in close proximity to my parents. Now, I could care less if that was how she felt - heck - I could understand how people would feel that way. It was the fact that she didn't tell me to my face. She lied. She two-faced me. She said how great it was to me and then talked shit about me/my life to someone else.

I know it sounds petty, but it really hurt like hell. I admittedly am a very sensitive person. It was the final straw of several other petty, but significant, things. I admit I have a hard time trusting people and when I got that e-mail (I'm presuming accidentally) it just shattered my trust in her. It hurt. It also made me wonder, was this an isolated incident? Or does she talk about me or what is going on in my life in a negative sense to others regularly? I asked myself: is that the kind of friend I want in my life? The answer was no.

Sigh. I don't handle adversity well. I know. I rather run away. (Insert chicken noise.) I think a big part of the problem is that I let people (this is too harsh a term but all I can come up with at the moment) have their way, and instead of vocallizing my needs and offenses as they arise. Then what happens is I blow up. I reach my breaking point. No bueno :o(

So I will see where it goes from here. If she will write back. If the friendship can be saved. I am prepared for both.

personal history II

SELF PORTRAIT TUESDAY

Here is my second installment for January's theme of personal history. I really had fun with this one during nap times and fleeting moments of free time. Part of the inspiration for this came from an artist (Lorie Novak) featured on SPT's site.

I took a little piece of some things that identify me: my art, photograph of a butterfly, and - well - self portraits. And wha-la... this is what I came up with.

This made me realize how much I miss working in graphic design. It's fun to have these SPT assignments, per se, to give me an incentive to be creative in the digital sense.

get off my chest

Get off, get off, get off! Some things stick to me worse than super-strength super glue. I need to vent. This won't be pretty.

We were on the phone a little while ago talking to my parents about our plans to travel back east this March. We were working around two things: the university's spring break and my best friend's wedding. We proposed the dates to my parents and they were elated at the amount of time we would be spending there (hey - with the price of flying being enough to buy a decent second-hand car, one might as well take advantage of a flight, right?)

My husband continued to inform my parents about our logic and the dates we were working around and why. Only this is where the "stuff on my chest" originated. Upon hearing my long-time friend was getting married, my father, who is a professional photographer, immediately had a thing or two to say... or should I say, inquire.

HIM: "So-and-so's getting married?" "Does she have a photographer?"
ME: "I don't know; I never asked."
HIM: "Oh, do you think it was a budget thing? Because I can work around that."
ME: "I really don't know."
HIM: "So where is she having it?"
ME: "A place called Candlewood."
HIM: "Candlewood Inn?"
ME: "I don't know ... Candlewood is all I remember right now. I'd have to check."
HIM: (With some strange attitude) "Well, it's definitely not a budget issue, because if it is Candlewood Inn that place is very expensive."
ME: (Losing my patience) "I really don't know."

I just wanted him to stop. It's like he 1) took it personally that my friend didn't get ask him to be their photographer and 2) he was disappointed in me. I'm not a recruiter for crying out loud. God forbid a friend of mine who gets married doesn't have him as their wedding photographer. I mean, by all means, he is an amazing photographer, but I just don't butt in: that is none of my business and not up to me. He infuriates me. No "Ooo, she's getting married? Tell her congratulations!" Nope, he just wanted to know straight away why, oh why on earth, he wasn't the photographer for her wedding. It sickens me. I seriously feel sick.

I have another friend getting married this upcoming October, and I never asked "Who is going to be your photographer". It's just not right. But when she asked if my dad would do her wedding, I gave her his contact info. It is completely none of my business otherwise and is completely up to the person.

I just cannot get over my father. You have no idea how much this has upset me. And you know what? If I ever told him how this bothered me he would think - no - KNOW he didn't do anything wrong and look at me like I was the one with the problem AND hold a grudge against me for saying/feeling/thinking such a thing.

I'm on a tangent and I'm not about to stop...

Critical. Unforgiving. I can't bare it. Every wrong-doing ever noted: guilt that plagues me even with my desperate attempts to right the perceived wrongs. Every friend ever disapproved of: discarded for acceptance. Everything considered inadequate or not good enough: sacrificed. Afterall, their most powerful tool: we let you live here for free AND we pay your college tuition. I felt that I had to comply. But trying to please my parents is like trying to nail jelly to a tree.

Now, I know people who also strive to please their parents. I have one friend who is living at home until married, because this is what is respectful. And there is nothing wrong with this, I was like this and probably still am despite my infuriation at the moment. But I reached a point a year or so ago where I realized that I'd just been suckered into sacrificing so much damn shit to appease my parents. And I gave up. I have lost opportunities, pieces of my identity, friends, and could have lost my life once when falling asleep at the wheel ... all to make them happy. And you know what? They never were happy even when I did everything they wanted. I've reached the conclusion, that no matter what, there will always be something "not right"...

2005 reflection

I never officially took the time to write my reflections of this year past. 2006 came quietly for me, but there are many things I have been internally reflecting on in the official passing of another year, and now I would like to have them in writing for further reflection today, tomorrow and in the future.

2005 was a momentous year in my life for the obvious reasons: the birth of my first child. Our daughter L entered our lives in July. However there was much before and after that constituted 2005...

• In January we adopted our precious puppies: Shadow the golden retriever and Tate the west highland terrier. I was three months pregnant at the time. They were a beautiful glimpse, in some ways, at some of the responsibilities we'd be handling with our imminent human baby!
  
  
• In February, at the close of a tropical butterfly exhibit being run by our local botanical gardens, I knew I had found my calling through my time volunteering there for several months previous. That was the best job ever... if only I could be paid to do that. In March I went back to Connecticut to visit family and have an official baby shower.
  
  
• In April we moved out of our rental into our first home here in Arizona. (I could finally start nesting!) In May I finished my semester at the UA and started my academic leave of absence... to have our daughter. In June my cousin Heather gave birth to her second child, a son, Walker.
  
  
• In July my life changed forever in the most positively amazing way! The birth of my daughter definitely steals the spotlight for the year...
  
  
• In August Steven and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. In September I adopted an exercise routine for the first time after having my daughter. I started baby boot camp which was not only an excellent means to get back into shape but also a great resource for connecting with other moms in the area. In October I finally had a lump removed that I'd had for two years. Benign :o)
  
  
• November, a simple Thanksgiving, and Shadow's first birthday. December, Tate's first birthday, and a peaceful laid-back Christmas. A quiet ending to a loud year.

As I was filling in my new little black pocket calendar yesterday, paging through the months ahead and all that would soon fill them, I had melancholy twinges over particular dates. Dates that used to hold birthdays of those once with us. Dates of those with birthdays and anniversaries who may not be with us much longer. And as I filled in those celebratory occasions in the days of my calendar, I winced at the thought of those occasions being no longer a time for rejoice, but a time of mourning, if those individuals were to leave us this year before then. I cannot think like that, though. They will always be days of rejoice. It is just painful to lose them to another world. To lose them from this life. We all die.

I'd like to end this reflection of 2005 with some thoughtful advice from Jalal ad-Din Rumim, the poet/philosopher, who tells us...

Observe the wonders as they occur around you.
Don't claim them. Feel the artistry moving
through and be silent.

reminiscence

SELF PORTRAIT TUESDAY

I know this may seem a little weird at first, but yes, that is my head and my daughter's head. I took an old (1900s?) black and white photo and did a quick hack job cut & paste for this effect. This month's theme is Personal History...

I would love to know more about my family's history. I would particularly love seeing a pictorial history a long with the facts since I am such a visual person.

I suppose it is ironic that my grandfather "Pop" is a geneologist and I know very little. He did give me a binder full of stuff, once, but it was all stuff that he'd collected over the years about me: the person I don't need to know anything more about!

Next time I'm home back east I'm going to see what I can dig up and learn in the Mother Collection. I don't even have a picture of my great grandparents for crying out loud.

A big part of the reason Pop got into geneology was because he was orphaned at the age of 9 (as well as his eight siblings). He is a wonderful example of a man who worked hard for what he got out of life. Poppy celebrated his birthday last month. He was born December 8, 1911. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever known.