emotional pacemaker

check this out... (original article can be found here)
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FDA OKs Brain Stimulator for Depression

The government on Friday approved a new therapy for the severely depressed who have run out of treatment options: a pacemaker-like implant that sends tiny electric shocks to the brain.

The Food and Drug Administration’s clearance opens Cyberonics Inc.’s vagus nerve stimulator, or VNS, as a potential treatment for an estimated 4 million Americans with hard-to-treat depression — despite controversy over whether it’s really been proven to work.

“These are patients pretty much at the end of the line in terms of what treatment options are available to them,” said FDA medical device chief Dr. Daniel Schultz, who said he personally was persuaded by Cyberonics’ research despite initial skepticism within his agency.

The pacemaker-like implant has been sold since 1997 to control intractable epilepsy, a much smaller market.
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I know this is a bit dated and I've discovered it a little after-the-fact, but nonetheless, can you believe it? I have all sorts of mixed feelings about it, two of the strongest being fear and hope. (Another article that covers this a little more in-depth can be found here)

a sucker for citrus

When I visited Arizona for my first time, in March 2004, one of the things that stuck out most to me was that there were orange trees here. I thought that was just the greatest thing. Coming from Connecticut I was used to the occasional apple or pear tree, but an orange tree was something exotic, and I found it absolutely appealing. Don't get me wrong; I've seen orange trees before, in Florida to be precise, but to me it was expected there. I mean, I think we've all heard of "Florida Orange Juice". But in Arizona - in the desert? Orange trees caught me completely off guard and I was in love with the fact Arizona had them!

So when we decided to build our home here, and it came time to deciding what type of landscaping we wanted, I immediately insisted on an orange tree. Needless to say, we now have a beautiful fledgling orange tree, who has yet to bear fruit, in our back yard. I can't wait for the day when I can walk out and pick my breakfast.

Today Steven and I were out doing the normal Saturday errands - groceries and whatnot. And on one of our routine stops, what did we see? Lemon trees. I couldn't resist. To boot, there was this immaculate Giant Swallowtail loftily dwelling amongst the tops of these citrus trees, which I knew was a sign. Much to my delight Steven was game, so we got ourselves a lemon tree, and planted it as you can see here in this picture. Now in our backyard we have an orange tree (my first impression of Arizona) and a lemon tree (the beginning of a citrus fetish). Life is good.

50 fabulous questions

inpsired this fine morning by wannabe. thank you kindly. nothing like taking up my time filling out these silly little things. why do I feel compelled to do this? I don't know, but here we go...

1. Your name spelled backwards?
~~haras (pointed out by a fellow classmate in the sixth grade)

2. Where were your parents born?
~~in Connecticut

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
~~Elliott Smith - A Fond Farewell

4. What's your favorite restaurant?
~~Mario's in Westport, CT (across the street from the Westport train station)

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
~~last weekend. once every weekend Steven takes the baby for an hour so I can have alone time in the sunshine and in the pool! thank you honey xxo

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
~~Nope. I've come close to auditioning but always chickened out

7. How many kids do you want?
~~At least two. At most three. I was an only child for nine years and it was a bit lonely, so I think having a sibling is important.

8. Type of music you dislike most?
~~generic stuff engineered to sell

9. Are you registered to vote?
~~just registered for the first time this past election (2004)

10. Do you have cable?
~~yes

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
~~go-cart, yes; moped, no.

12. Ever prank call anybody?
~~yes, before dratted caller-ID

13. Best friends? close friends?
~~yes, a couple back in Connecticut and one here in Arizona

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
~~sky diving

15. Furthest place you ever traveled?
~~which ever is furthest: St. Lucia or Eleuthera

16. Do you have a garden?
~~yes. got to attract the butterflies after all!

17. What's your favorite comic strip?
~~baby blues

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
~~I am pretty certain I do. haven't sang it in a long time, though.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
~~I really love baths. showers are more practical usually. and I am definitely a morning person, though I am quite capable of seizing the night.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
~~serpico

21. Favorite pizza topping?
~~mushrooms

22. Chips or popcorn?
~~popcorn

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
~~I never wear lipstick

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
~~never heard of that one. I did hear back in high school, though, about smoking banana peels. sorry to disappoint but I never tried either.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
~~definitely not

26. Orange Juice or apple?
~~orange

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where?
~~my husband and my daughter to this awesome Italian restaurant in Scottsdale called Maggiano's

28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
~~not a big connoisseur of chocolate bars, so pretty much anything goes

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
~~November 2004

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
~~last summer (2004) back in Connecticut from my Poppy's (Grandfather's) garden. mmm...

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
~~yeah, for playing basketball when I was like 10, but everyone got one - so it probably doesn't really count.

32. Are you a good cook?
~~yes

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
~~are you kidding me? of course I do! are there really people who don't?

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
~~no, but my father is the ultimate info-mercial-holic. he has bought the bullet, the gazelle, a spaghetti-sausage-maker machine, and I don't even want to know what else...

35. Sprite or 7-up?
~~sprite, though I can count the number of times I drank soda in the past year on one hand

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
~~yes, when I worked for a veterenarian, I got to wear scrubs. comfy :o)

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
~~vitamins

38. Ever thrown up in public?
~~don't know. but if I did it wasn't a big public display - I definitely would have remembered that. if I did, I probably scooted off to some remote corner to do it as discreetly as possible.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
~~true love

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
~~yes

41. Can exs be friends?
~~under the right circumstances

42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
~~Grampa, last March, after his stroke & hours before he passed away

43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
~~nah, a pretty normal amount

44. What message is on your voicemail?
~~you have reached #, we're not here to take your call right now, so please leave a message and we'll get back to you. thanks.

46. What was the name of your first pet?
~~sparky the hamster

47. What's in your backpack?
~~backpack, purse, bag - whatever. diapers, wipes, wallet, chapstick, germ-killing hand stuff, planner, phone, pens

48. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
~~veg out in front of the tele with a hot cup of tea

49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
~~my family

50. What are you thinking about?
~~things that need to get done today after I'm finished answering these silly questions...

cats on prozac

If anyone in this house would have had to go on antidepressants after the baby was born, I thought it would be me. Luckily I am narrowly escaping PPD and working very hard on keeping it that way. Little did I expect, however, that my cat Madison would be the one in need of a little help.

When we had the baby a couple of months ago she started licking compulsively; beyond the normal cleaning cats do. Then about a month ago I started noticing at the base of her spine, where it meets the base of the tail, balding taking place. It wasn't entirely balding; a lot of the hair appeared to be broken off. When this continued to only worsen I knew an intervention would be necessary. I took Madison to the vet this past Thursday and the vet confirmed my suspicions: the behavior was not related to any health dilemmas, it was related to mental ones. He remarked that Madison did not seem to be a high-strung feline (which she isn't - she's incredibly laid back and good-tempered) so he speculated that she was internalizing a lot of her stress. Sounds a lot like her owner... hehehe. Humans and their pets can be so alike. Needless to say, the doctor recommended an antidepressant to give Madison, to get her through this difficult time. The funny thing is, I'm not a big fan of these drugs, and believe they should be used as a last resort. But because I can't take my cat for psychotherapy, or encourage her to "talk it out", and my extra affections and sensitivity haven't been enough, I just didn't know what else to do. I hope this is a temporary solution and it will ultimately help her adjust to the changes that have occurred in her life as of late. I just want her to be her old happy-kitty-self again.

half her size

I was in Wild Oats yesterday picking up a a few groceries. L was contently snoozing in her car seat propped in the shopping cart as I went along. After checking out I proceeded to the service desk to obtain a rain check for an item that had run out. There was an older lady, probably in her early 60's with a young girl, probably about 10 years old, ahead of me at the service desk. As we stood there, waiting, the lady turned around and smiled. Her face was fair and framed with straight but frizzy grey hair. She was smiling at my daughter.

kind lady: How old is she?
me: She's 8 weeks old.
kind lady: Isn't she lovely; so content.
kind lady: (turning to the young girl with her) That is how old you were when we adopted you. Only you were much smaller.
kind lady: (turning back to me) How much does she weigh?
me: She's about 10 pounds now.
kind lady: (speaking to the young girl) you were only 5 pounds when you came to live with us; half her size.

I was kind of lost for words. I smiled friendlily to the young girl and with a kind heart I said, "Looks like she's been feeding you well now!" despite the fact that she was quite lean. I couldn't believe what I had heard. I tried to imagine a 2 month old baby weighing five pounds. I tried to imagine why - how anyone could let such a thing happen - and didn't want to know. I was just grateful this little girl had found a home with this kind lady. I was grateful she received what she deserved: a chance to grow up.

On the drive home my mind wandered. What kind of effect did it have on her? I wondered how many ways her rough beginnings impacted her physical and mental development to this day. So much to overcome for such a young girl. And it breaks my heart to know that she isn't the only one.

who am I?

A LONG OVERDUE INTRODUCTION
SCRATCHING THE SURFACE: The Basics
My name is Sarah. I've been married to my husband Steven since 2002. We have a daughter named L who was born in July of 2005 and a son named E who was born in February 2007. We also share our home with pets: a cat named Madison, a golden retriever named Shadow, and a west highland terrier named Tatum, and our fish Clementine, Sergio and Jane. We reside in Tucson, Arizona.

I was born in March of 1980 in Connecticut. I was raised by my parents in an old colonial home that had been in the family for two generations prior. My father was a photographer and my mother a stay-at-home mom who loved quilt making and basket weaving. My parents weren't blessed with another child until nine years after they had me. My brother Taylor was born in April of 1989.

My husband Steven was born in February of 1967 in Baldwin, New York. He was raised by his parents in the company of his five other siblings. Had he not come to Yale University in New Haven, Connecticut for his PhD in 1999 I may have never met him.

Steven and I moved from Connecticut to Arizona in June of 2004. Steven had left his research job at Yale and was offered a position at the University of Arizona. He accepted the position at UA's College of Medicine and I decided to enroll for my M.A. in Art Education. I had previously received my B.S. in Graphic Design with a minor in Computer Science from SCSU in New Haven, Connecticut.

In July of 2005 our first child was born. Our daughter L was a beautifully planned and much desired person in our life. Since the day she was born our lives have changed dramatically. In February 2007 our second planned child, E, made his entry into the world. We wanted our children close in age. They are 19 months apart. We felt it was important for them to have the gift of each other to grow up with. I personally had a strong conviction about this, seeing as I spent the first nine years of my life anticipating siblings that sadly never made it to this world. Our children have taught me to treasure the simple moments; to cherish time. I have never been a future-minded person, but I now find myself more reflective, considering things to come, and what I can do to ensure the best for our children and our lives. Mostly, L and E have brought out a side of my husband that I am madly in love with: the father.

DIGGING DEEPER: My Passions
1. making art. First and foremost I love to paint. Watercolor, oil, acrylic, or gesso, depending on what exactly I'm painting (subject matter) for instance, scale (size) and techniques I want to use to express my visions and feelings, and where I am painting it (location is important - ie: watercolors travel easier than oils). I also love jewelry making/metal smithing... not because I am particularly good at it, but because I find great pleasure in the challenge of working in three-dimensional form and with metal, along with all the challenging techniques necessary. When I am able to accomplish what I have set out to do with metal smithing I find it incredibly rewarding and absolutely exhilarating. I also love photography, printmaking and drawing.

2. listening to music. I have been in love with music since a young adolescent. My first love was classic rock which then stemmed off into just about anything and everything. My parents are both occasional musicians: my mother plays the flute and my father the drums. I have taken piano lessons and drum lessons (drumset, jazz). I was also in the drumline in high school, starting with cymbals, and eventually progressing up to quads.

3. photographing and researching different species of butterflies. This started quite randomly while hiking one March afternoon back in 2001. I was carrying my camera with me when I came across a beautiful butterfly. I didn't know what type it was at the time and found that photographing it was a difficult yet rewarding challenge. When I had the film developed I then found the task of identifying what particular type of species it was also to be a challenging yet satisfying one. Since then, I have enjoyed going out and purposefully seeking butterflies, taking their pictures, and identifying them in my spare time. You can see the butterflies I've taken pictures of here.

4. body surfing. I used to frequently drive to Rhode Island to catch waves when living on the east coast. Body surfing is exhilarating. It is also challenging. For all the the hours I spend trying to catch waves, if I can at least catch one - that perfect one that powerfully whisks me to the shore - it is all worth the while. Occasionally, when the surf is raging, I'll get knocked under so violently that I will acknowledge the ocean's incredible force and take a break on the shore to gather myself. There have been several times I've been scared pretty badly being knocked down by a wave. But as I said, it is all worth it when you catch that perfect one...

5. putting together photo albums of memories. My mom has always done this, and perhaps I learned from example, but I do take great enjoyment in taking pictures of everyday things that make life happy and special, printing these captured memories out, and organizing them into little photo albums. I love having all these little photo albums indexed with dates and having them accessible on a shelf in our home and being able to take one down and recall all the happy moments in our past. I admittedly have a poor memory, as well, and I am terrified of not remembering things in my life, so I believe this practice is also a form of insurance for me.

SIX FEET UNDER: Secrets I Would Rather Take to the Grave
Whether it is my perception, or truthfully existing within this society, I believe there is a stigma against those with questionable mental health. I feel many of these people endure great shame about their state of being. And I feel that many people truly believe that those with mental illnesses are capable of willing themselves out of it, and since they do not, they simply are weak, or their condition is nothing but their own fault.

I have had several successive depressions in my life starting at the age of twelve. During those years the depression was always there, varying in intensity, up until I was eighteen years old. The darkest years were from the ages fourteen through sixteen. I consider it to be incredible I am still here. My parents did the best they knew how to at the time. At the age of eighteen my mother at last tried something that made a profound and lasting impact; she told me I was to see a "grown up doctor" (in other words, not the family pediatrician) and that this doctor would try to help me. She drove me to the doctor (I hadn't even gotten my drivers license, had recently just barely graduated high school, and couldn't even get up and leave the house to get a job at that time) and this doctor prescribed something called an antidepressant. From that moment on my life changed.

It took a year for the veil of depression to lift entirely, and I started to live a life akin to normalcy. I left the house to go out and do things, became employed, got my drivers license, and even made a best friend. My family and I got along and they liked me again; I liked me again. I was able to have relationships with people and maintain these relationships. Unfortunately, as time passed, I developed shame about needing an antidepressant. Picking up the prescription was difficult and embarrassing for me. Antidepressants were in wide use and I feared others saw me as just another person copping-out and trying to find an easy way to deal with life. This, of course, was not the case; I depended on these drugs to safeguard me from the painful depression from whence I came.

Over the years I have tried going off medication several times. I've had short intervals of success without them, but I have always eventually started slipping under again, and needed help. I've tried alternative routes, wanting to avoid being medicated at all costs, however no amount of exercise, specialized diet, herbal supplements, homeopathy, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, or any therapy - or any or all of these combined - could seem to keep my head above ground, above the dark depression. And I have learned, during my quest to avoid being medicated and allowing the depression to creep back up on me, that it has damaged relationships that I cannot afford to lose. I regret not staying or going on these medications when I should have. It hurt not only myself but those in my life who are most important to me and who I need most.

If I were a diabetic, I'd have no problem taking insulin. I'd say to myself, "I'm diabetic, therefore I need insulin." I perceive depression differently, though, even though I probably shouldn't. Perhaps if an accurate test could be performed that had the ability of conclusively determining that I was, in fact, a person who truly suffered from dysthymia combined with Major Depressive Disorder, then I would accept that I need help in form of a medication. But since there is no conclusive evidence that this problem exists, I am hard on myself for being this way. Another thing that greatly bothers me about medicating is that it does not truly remedy the problem. It masks the problem. The depression is still there, underneath, lurking. I want to banish it altogether. I feel cursed with this tendency. And I feel great shame. Sometimes I wonder if I should have gotten married, let alone brought children into this world, when I have a problem such as this. Should I really set myself up to have the potential to hurt those I love? It is those I love, however, that give me a reason to keep myself, and my depression, in check.

I have a brother who is nine years younger than me. He did not exhibit any signs of having problems for years, and I was grateful, hoping he had avoided what I had not. Unfortunately, however, I found out in the summer of 2005 that he was not doing well. I dreaded this news. One thing I am very grateful for, though, is that my parents now know in hindsight the warnings signs they saw in me, and they can now help Taylor in ways they didn't help me, because they know better now.

RESURFACING: More General Tidbits About Me
I take great pride in giving really good driving directions. I have been a pescatarian since June of 2004. I started drinking coffee when I was 9 and I still take it the way I always have: black. I am strongly drawn to trains, railroad tracks, and underpasses. I like to steal signs, predominantly street signs, and have quite the collection. I am attracted to the emotional energy of airports, train stations and bus stations. I have a tendency to turn inward, be a dreamer, and want to escape mentally. I hate vacuuming the stairs. I love to organize things. I am quite fond of stickers. I cannot stand wearing socks with holes in them and immediately throw them away if I get one. I went through a phase where I collected hundreds and hundreds of snapple caps and made a 20+ foot long "snapple snake". I always say my eyes are brown on documents but the truth is they are really hazel. I am five feet, seven inches tall. I like to take pictures. I have an asthmatic response when I smell rubbing alcohol. I used to run ten miles a day when I was in high school because I had heard that exercising releases chemicals that make you feel better. I am terrified of aliens. I love falafels. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I think this world is sad and beautiful.


This entry will be a work in progress so changes may be made in the future to better reflect who, exactly, I am... and if you have any questions or suggestions of things that I could offer in writing to better answer the "who am I" question, please feel free to leave a comment.

the pups

Shadow (a.k.a. slim shady; sha-d'oh!) the golden retriever and Tatum (a.k.a. tater-tots; tate) the westhighland terrier living it up in the backyard this past labor day weekend.

a continuum

A continuum of life:
There is such real pain in this world
and such true happiness
And there is the unique human ability
to develop a powerful indifference

For those who choose to feel; to care
They will be tortured and pleasured
experiencing the emotional radicality of life;
The full range of this sensational spectrum

And for those who do not,
They will live short of life;
Shy of living
Somewhere - quite lonely - outside this
rich, extreme and beautiful continuum.
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It is my belief that powerful indifference emerges when someone is trapped on the extreme side of the continuum - opposite of true happiness - the end of the continuum where real pain is - and can no longer withstand to feel anymore. A coping mechanism. From depression to indifference. I don't know which is worse. Actually, no - I do. Indifference is worse. When one stops caring about anything and everything, what point is there in living? It is a form of death. I wonder how many among us have experienced this discomposing state. I wonder if and how these people ever came back.

My brother is there now. I was there at his age too. Must run in the family.

I could just cry

The one and only best friend I have ever had - the type of friend one connects with on that awestrikingly deep and profound level - is getting married. I just saw her webpage on the knot and got all choked up...

I am so happy for her and at the same time kind of sad, too. I wish I could go back in time and relive all those precious moments in our bachelorette years again. Of course, if anyone is guilty for initiating the segue out of that period, it was me back in 2002 when I got married. Guilty as charged. Hey - I was in love!

I even remember the night Marie and Mike met - I was there! It was at a luau on August 3rd 2002, and I was about to be married on the 24th. Here is a picture of us that night:

I went home a little before midnight, and little did I know what the night had in store for Marie regarding that special someone she met... let alone the future.

But I knew for certain he was special when she brought him as her date to my wedding 21 days later :o) Marie of course was in my bridal party; in fact I had always wanted her as my maid of honor, however I knew a specific friend in my life at that time - who was also in the bridal party - would have been upset, offended, and jealous of this (and therefore would have made me miserable). So to ensure my peace and sanity I ended up going with a person of neutral ground: my cousin Heather, who was like a sister to me growing up. And she was just as appropriate for the role as Marie was - but I still think, due to that deep connection Marie and I shared - that Marie would have been the more appropriate maid of honor. Either way, she was in my bridal party, and that was what was important. She was the maid of honor in my heart.

And now she is enaged to be married three years later and it scares me how quickly time goes. We have been apart for some time now, though, as life does that to people. Circumstances. Change. It is life. And so let us end this entry with a quote: "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~Anatole France

the tangible vs. the experience

Stephanie is back from Brazil! She came over to visit today and meet baby L for the first time. She brought back some beautiful things for her, too:
This is a picture of her wearing what directly translates as "bathing clothing". It is traditional for babies to wear. When they are older they wear bikinis, but since infants don't go swimming, they wear bathing clothing.

Stephanie also got her a couple pair of adorable shoes, which she said are quite affordable with the favorable exchange rate. They are for when she gets older, but in the spirit of celebrating her new exotic gifts, I also took a picture of her wearing them:
I've enjoyed following Stephanie's experiences in Brazil over the past months through her blog. We had fun talking this afternoon and catching up. I told her about Steven, L and my trip to Scottsdale this past weekend in celebration of our anniversary. We stayed at a beautiful resort called Caleo. When I had told her last week about where we were staying, and she had commented how absolutely gorgeous the place was, and to get a spa treatment for her while I was there!

I told her this afternoon that I didn't end up getting a spa treatment... I just couldn't imagine dropping a hundred bucks on a massage!! I told her how I would prefer to use that money on something tangible and lasting - like a piece of furniture, for instance. That is when Stephanie told me something I won't soon forget: it is the experience we remember. Thirty years from now I may not even remember what this house I live in looked like. It's our experiences that stay with us. And she is so right...