late night thoughts

Or, rather, early morning. I have had the most rotten luck with sleeping lately. Last night, for instance, I woke up at 2 a.m. and didn't fall back asleep until 5 a.m. My mind racing with thoughts. Tonight...err... this morning, isn't much different. It is currently 4 a.m. I've been up since 3.

Whereas last night I had somewhat of an excuse (it was raining: the sound of rain an unfamiliar background noise seeing as it was the first rain we have gotten here in Tucson in 2006). This morning I lack a legitimate excuse. And whereas the past few nights I have not thought of things really - I would just lay there pathetically focusing on a blurry object in the dark distance or listening to the sound of cars passing in the distance - tonight my mind went to disappointing thoughts.

This will probably be long, drawn out, and boring if you don't really care too much about people's past ramblings and stories... so do yourself the favor and move on...

Back when my husband and I were dating - and I still lived with my parents - I had a small but close knit network of friends who resided in my hometown. One a long term friend, my best friend, of several years. Another a good friend I had known for some time, but had in the past couple years established a great friendship with. And another friend: a younger friend, a new friend. A friend I met at the local community College. I'll call her S :o)

S was a fun person to hang out with: she was multi-faceted and just down right fun and fascinating. Driven. Ready for activity. Open to adventure. We had some wild times together, her and I. She was just pure good-company.

We had known eachother for maybe a year - maybe two - when something happened. It will sound like the trivial "growing up" crap to most people, I imagine, but it didn't seem trivial at the time.

S and my best friend M were over. We were just goofing around in my room like we would occasionally do. S had brought over a water bottle full of vodka and I got some juice for her and my best friend to mix drinks. I stuck to the red wine I usually had hanging around (no - I'm not pretentious - I just really liked, and still like wine!) I didn't make it a point to moderate S; I knew she liked to party and drink but this wasn't the first time we'd had tiddly's in my room, or elsewhere for that matter; so I didn't take it beyond anything unusual. Everything seemed fine.

My best friend M went home. It was just S and me. S wanted to go out. She said she had a number of a guy she recently met who she wanted to catch up with. Me: "Sure! Let's go!" Upon our immediate departure from the house, though, I knew something wasn't right. It had hit her hard. She was not right. I wished M hadn't left.

She had driven a block and already I knew she shouldn't be driving. I remember sitting at a red light, and the light turning green, and her not even responding. I asked her if she was "okay" or "okay to drive" (can't remember, but it was along those lines).

It is now that I realize I should have not asked a passive question. I should have made an assertive statement, like: "I don't think you should drive" or "You shouldn't drive, S, pull over."

But I'm not very assertive. Or, at least, I wasn't. I hope now I've grown into learning to stand up for things more.

S continued to drive about maybe 5 miles to her home. She was going to go in to get the number of the guy she wanted to catch up with.

I waited in the car.

She took awhile.

Her mom was home.

Next thing I knew I heard yelling; her mom came charging out of the house, furious. Accusations flying. She blamed me for S being drunk. She asked me where we were, what the hell kind of house I lived in where "children" drank, and other things of that nature.

She accused me of being drunk. Boy, am I ever glad I wasn't. I didn't even have a buzz. Had I, I would have either a.) felt a lot calmer/better about the situation or b.) freaked out ten times worse.

I told her what happened. I told her I should have been more assertive with S and that I became aware shortly after we left that she was not fit to drive. I openly slandered myself in front of her for not doing so. Her mom knew me - I had been around the house and hung out with them before. I trust she knew I was a somewhat passive, quiet, and not assertive person. I trust she didn't think such awful things of me: that I got her daughter drunk, that I got drunk too, that we went driving drunk together.

I value my life and my friends lives more than that.

I'm not stupid.

S's mom then asked me for my parents phone number. I gladly gave it: I wanted to get the hell out of there. S was crying screaming and yelling about the whole situation; she was irrational. As she was hysterical towards her mother she got into some family-oriented issues and problems. I realized then that S had more baggage than she ever told me or let on.

Anyway, I gave my phone number. S's mom got on the phone with whoever answered (mom or dad) and said some very hurtful things. She was mad and hurt and so she really let it out at my folks. She then descendingly passed the phone to me to talk to them. She made me feel so small; like dirt.

I told my mom the straight truth: I had nothing to hide, other than my embarrassment of a friend who lost control and put our lives at risk. Other than my failure to take a stand.

Mom was cool. She wasn't even mad. She knew (knows) me. She came and got me.

In the meantime, S went running - barefoot mind you - out of the house to god only knows where. Her mom freaked out more. S's mom left me standing there at the front porch, grabbed her keys, and got in her car to go looking for S.

I don't know what happened that night afterwards. Whether S's mom found her, where S went, and the things that ensued.

All I knew was I got scooped up by my mom, who wasn't mad, but terribly surprised. I told her everything. And she still wasn't mad. I was actually a bit surprised. Not entirely - but I thought there would be some disappointment and or resentment. But there was none.

The next morning my mother and father and I briefly revisited the previous night's events, for my parent's sake of wanting to know and understand. My father didn't like S. He said he never trusted her - her type. One or both. Can't recall and have never asked or brought it up ever since.

Needless to say, had I continued my friendship/hanging out with S, my parents (mostly my father) would then be disappointed. Not because of that night. But because I would be then "foolish" (their words, not mine). I wasn't a disappointment that night. I wasn't foolish that night. It was clearly spelled out that those two value-assignments would be applied to me if I kept around S.

I believed them and listened to them. Have I told you I care a lot about what people think? Especially my parents?

S and I grew apart. Trust me, after the way her mother judged me and talked down to me that night, like I was the shittiest thing that ever walked the earth, I must say growing apart was made a little easier just for the sake of avoiding her.

But I missed S. Always have.

And now S and my best friend M are closer than ever, which adds a little more complicated heart ache to the mix. M is getting married in a couple weeks, and she asked S to be in her wedding party. She only asked two people: S and her sister in law.

So where does this leave me, other than at quarter of 5 a.m.?

I have no clue.