It's times like these that make me want to drink myself into an unconscious oblivion.
As someone insightful once said, though, once you have children, you forfeit the right to self-destruct.
And I forfeited that right some time ago. I have more reason than ever to keep myself from mentally going under. Something bigger than myself.
But things right now are not good. They are negatively charged and horribly uncertain. I have never seen my husband pull so far away emotionally. All in a matter of a few days.
It has to do with work, but he isn't capable of talking about it yet. He's too upset. I am scared. If it has to do with the status of his employment, we are in dire trouble, because his job is right now the only means by which we get by.
I can't help but cry. That's who I am. I'm certain that's part of why he's pulling away from me right now; he can't bear to see my sadness, hear my weepiness and feel my fear on top of all that is going on. He needs me to be "normal" he told me; to go about the weekend in the way I typically would. That's how I can be the biggest help right now. But it is incredibly hard to do so with the storm cloud of doom looming over his head and creeping up on our family.
I prayed last night for the first time in a long time. And it did help. It felt good to ask for help; to attempt at turning over my burden, even if just temporarily; to pray for my husband and what he is going through. I am still bound by anxiety but am coping and hoping for everything to turn out okay.
5 comments:
Breathe, sweetie. And keep praying. We'll all be praying right along with you.
(((Hugs)))
Although I am hesitant to admit it, I think that is probably the biggest reason why I dont (and maybe wont) have kids - although my animals have a similar effect - cant stay in bed all day, have to feed the horse and the goats and check on the chickens and let the dogs out. But at least once they have food/water - i can go back to bed and sleep all day. I hope things look up soon - loss of security is one of the most frigtening things we can go through.
Sorry I didn't come by sooner.
And I'm sorry you're worried.
But.
You can always come live with us!
I'm sure it won't come to that, but a girl can selfishly hope. ;)
It will get better. I know that may sound trite, but I feel like I am reading my own words after having our second baby. We went into counseling quickly (didn't help) and it took a good year to get back on track. You are under a lot of stress and in good time, as your new babe grows older, things will start to flow smoothly. Don't give up and realize that you can vent here and continue to create and release your soul and pain.
You are loved so much!
Kristie
Prayers going up from my end too, I'm sorry honey, life just sucks sometime.
Love love
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