"And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity."
(A draft uncovered from May 9th 2008, published October 10th 2008)
I grew up in and around churches. Not necessarily attending one and only one church consistently through consecutive years, but in a church for the most part of my childhood nonetheless.
My parents were married in my mom's hometown church. She played in the bell choir in said church when I was a young child. Not so young I can't remember, but young enough that it's quite very fuzzy.
My mom also played/plays the flute. Being a flutist/flautist, she played in a number of churches (and coffee shops) throughout the years. She always took beta-blockers before she performed. But that's something entirely beside the point.
I have early memories of huge pipe organs and rows upon rows of hard wooden pews with little nooks for hymnal books and other special treats. Exploring such places while she rehearsed was the only thing to do. Let us not get into the fact that she was also a member of the Daughters of the Nile and all the exploring I did in the Masonic Temples. Yeah. Crazy stuff.
Nonetheless, my parents gave up church-going several times during my childhood. The most extended period being during my mother's pregnancy and after the birth of my one and only sibling, my younger brother, born nine years after me.
During that time I had the most estimable hope and faith to bring it upon myself to attend church on my own. Eight, nine and ten years old and I walked, each and every Sunday, with bible in hand (or in satchel), to the nearest church. The nearest church was the baptist church of our hometown in which my grandparents were wed. It was all of a quarter mile away, if that.
At the age of twelve I was baptised there (full immersion) in their public tub in front of the entire congregation. I truly believed I was cleansing myself from sin and beginning a new life. I even promised myself to change the roll of toilet paper at our home when I finished it from thereon in. Little did I know that a bit over a year later, I would be the victim and participant of one of many sins itself. But that is not what this post is about.
What, then, is this post about?
It's about how pure and beautiful that hope is. How I could endure just about anything going on in my world, at least to a relatively manageable degree, at that age because of faith and hope. And a hell-load of crap had gone on, and was going on, trust me.
I truly admire others who have the capacity to believe and have faith. It is a wonderful thing, for the most part, for most folks. I only wish I was capable of believing still. Unfortunately, I have tried, and tried, but no longer am able to believe. For the longest time, in vain, I wore the cross, wanting to believe. I wanted to have a promise of redemption.
But I fail at doing so. I can't believe. I just can't. I want to, but I can't. I've lost that innocence and faith. I've read so many works. The Oxford Bible. The Tanakh. I've taken college courses on religion. I've refreshed on Mere Christianity. I've read the God Delusion. I've read Answers for the Skeptic. I've read so much and yet can't find that spiritual push and conviction I long for.
I feel guilty for such. I feel like a bad person. And I could use it more than anything, but I can't lie about my very being and beliefs. *sigh* I want to believe. I can't lie. I can't. And I envy those who can because I can't find the strength and resources alone within myself.
3 comments:
Well I've been struggling with this too...or at least struggling with it when I think about it too much I suppose. I don't have anything to add, or help, other than to say that I understand and as you know I'm always around to talk...I make a good wall to bounce ideas off of..not so good as an ACTUAL wall...the nails and paint are kind of hurtful and icky
Here's the thing. Or, here's a thing: my parents, I realize, were atheists. If I was curious about church, I went with a friend.
My dad believed in math. "Numbers. Numbers explain everything."
My mother believes in bootstraps. You know -- pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again, work harder, don't give up.
It's true that when the alarms sound on the airplane I'm in, I recite the three prayers of praise and gratitude taught by the Catholic church: the Our Father, the Hail Mary, the Glory Be.
It's true that I hail mary-ed my way through Elder Eena's drug-free delivery and felt no pain whatsoever.
I figured out much later that reciting prayer the way I was taught in church doesn't bring divine intervention. Like any other meditation, it brings you to center and calms you down and allows you to give yourself more completely to letting go. The same affect could be achieved by reciting math tables, really.
Sometimes, I count. It's equally calming.
I started off raising my kids Catholic. Lot of crazy-devout people out there making decisions, passing judgments, in the name of God, in a way that a benevolent and forgiving God would flat-out disagree with. Too many hypocrisies are reason enough to go back to counting and reciting math tables.
I realize now, without a church, I was too different for my own comfort. I sought what I sought in order to conform socially. It was good to be exposed and to participate for a time.
I think indoctrination can become dangerous. I think there is something inherently divisive in the idea that some are saved and some are not.
If we're raised to believe by parents who believe, rather than raised to question by parents who question, our crises of faith are going to feel more intense and there will be guilt.
So.
The Dalai Lama says the purpose of our lives is to be happy.
Dr William Glasser says happiness is a choice.
Dr Glasser says everything is a choice.
I choose to put my faith in the Dalai Lama and Dr Glasser.
When the dark days come, my bootstraps entail reaching out to someone whose days are even darker.
Really, doing something for others works better for me than any church I ever attended.
If I'd've been raised by a preacher, like Ron was, I'd be so screwed :-)
I used to worry about this quite a bit too and one day I just made peace with not really knowing which team I'm on. I guess it's like being bisexual. I can attend just about any religious service and think it's wonderful and I can also agree with the teenagers that religion is a lie.
Both are true for me. I'm sure I'm not helping even one little bit. I just came by to visit.
love,
Rain
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