Why is today a day like it is? I don't know why I'm like this. There's a heavy feeling in my chest; aching, hallow, hurting. Haven't an appetite but yet have an urge to eat; an urge to attempt easing this wrong. I gravitate towards quick-fix crap that doesn't taste as fulfilling as it once would, and no matter how much I consume it won't fill the place that aches; it won't ease this sadness. Unsatisfiably full. I feel like crying. Wishing there was a way to safely render myself unconscious and make it all go away. Can't sleep. Anxious. And all I can do is wonder why I am like this today. Why does it feel as though everything is falling apart when nothing has happened; like life isn't worth living; like attachments are pointless as they will inevitably become corrupt. Ask me a question and all I'll be able to tell you right now is "I don't know." I care too much and I don't care at all. I love and loathe. And sadly, at times, just merely living is torture. What is the matter when a person who is blessed in countless ways can't see anything but darkness and feel anything but an ugly, vague and undefinable burden that haunts them? An unwelcome guest in the very temple of their body and mind who reappears time and time again, coming and going without consult or regard. I'm going to peel myself from this chair, now, and busy myself somehow and hope to evade these feelings. I am going to busy myself and wait for my daughter to awake from her nap and pray for the strength to become more like the me I prefer again. For the weight to be lifted. For the sun to shine once more.
5 comments:
awww :(
When Shell was pregnant with Ginny Grace she was nauseous THE ENTIRE pregnancy...she was so distraught by the end I thought she'd never want another...I think second time Mom's are the bravest in the world
Sarah~
This christmas season has to be the hardest one I can remember in years.. and i don't know why, but several people have confirmed my feelings. I'm hoping january will bring new light, and new hope, and all that good stuff. i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you...
I feel the way you do a lot. I have no answers but wanted to share a virtual hug and to let you know that you will be on my heart.
You may have answered your own questions with your very last sentence.
Last fall I was a bridesmaid in a great friends wedding. I was forced to spend big bucks on hair, makeup, dress, and among other things, a tanning bed package.
I definately noticed a difference in my attitude on the days I went tanning. I was energized somehow.
It's been a couple of months since I have had sunlight to warm my skin. To save on energy costs, we try to turn lights off behind us, use dim accent light instead of bright overhead. Right now, we don't even have any snow to reflect the little precious sunlight hours we have. It's dark so early!
No exercise, either. Yuck
Oh, and then there's the mammoth weight of Christmas (joy,hope, financial STRESS,emotional STRESS,family STRESS...) Is there any wonder why we all aren't crackin' up a bit?!
Winter solstice is soon...until then I think I'm gonna put 100 watt light bulbs in my bathroom, have a warm bubble bath with my sunglasses on...and maybe read a book...for another month or so!
Sorry, I'll go POST at my own site. I think I forgot this was a comment box and started rambling! ahem..oops.
Santa....oops...I mean, Sarah? Are you there? Am I here? This is a test comment....
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